Boris Has A Plan (Cripes!)

Posted on by Lucy Brazier

Wing Commander Tom flung his immaculately tailored jacket to the floor and brandished his handgun from within his waistcoat.

“I’ve been waiting for you to give that order for so very long, ma’am,” said Tom, checking the magazine.

Lucy was not only breathless from the impact of seeing the Wing Commander in slightly fewer clothes, but also a little excited that she suddenly appeared to have the power of life and death over journalists. She found the latter a little worrying, if she was honest.

“Prime Minister, I would strongly advise against this course of action,” cautioned Sir Edd, his previous assurance now noticeably wavering.

“First against the wall is that bastard editor from the Nazi Times,” spat Tom with uncharacteristic spite. “I mean the Daily Mail, obviously.”

“Actually,” cut in Nigel Farage, nonchalantly positioning himself closer to the biscuits. “I think Sir Edd’s right on this one, Prime Minister. People tend to notice these things and they rarely go down well.”

“We need to retrieve that weapon most urgently!” insisted Tom. “If it was hidden in the bushes it was probably put there by whoever shot Tony Blair. It will lead us to the killer.”

“Yes, but there’s got to be a better way of going about it than shooting everybody,” said Lucy, reasonably. “Sir Edd, you said they had questions for me?”

“Yes, Prime Minister,” replied Sir Edd, removing a crisply folded sheet of paper from his jacket pocket. “Let me see, yes – well, they specifically want to know why an American weapon has been hidden in the shrubbery by the front door. The Daily Mail want to know if the Chancellor of the Exchequer used it to shoot his tailor…”

“Aha! So they still don’t know about Blair!” King Boris exclaimed, leaping to his feet. “This is most fortuitous indeed. Listen up, chaps – I’ve got a plan!”

Nigel’s head involuntarily fell into his hands and a small wail slipped through his fingers.

“No, honestly, it’s really good…” Boris licked his lips and struck a grand pose that he hoped would entrance his audience. “We tell them that the gun was mine and it slipped out of my trousers as I was coming through the door. I shall thank them all in the most unabashed manner for finding my shooter and demand the damn item back from them like the King that I am. You see?”

Wing Commander Tom appeared to be sulking, a sure sign that he hadn’t thought of anything better. Minister for Good Ideas & Gin Dr Martens was artfully combining both aspects of her role by thinking rapidly and drinking gin with equal gusto.

“I think,” said Dr Martens “That it is a Good Idea. They can’t very well argue with the King of Oxford. Well, not to his face, anyway. They would definitely have to give the gun back. All that worries me is, it’s not a very interesting story for them – they might start looking more deeply into things.”

“Aha! That’s simple!” exclaimed Boris. “This used to happen to us all the time, back in the olden days. We just need to divert their grubby little attentions towards something scandalous and – shazam! – they forget all about the properly important business.”

“Really?” said Lucy, eyebrows reaching for her hairline. “Is it really that easy?”
“Oh, yes,” chortled Boris. “Why do you think they kept me around in government for so long? The minute some hideous governmental cock-up got a little too feisty, out comes old Bozza! A wave of the todger and a bit of casual, light-hearted xenophobia and before you know it, the crisis is averted. Bozza becomes the crisis! I was what you might call a ‘decoy politician’. It’s nice work if you can get it, I tell you.”

“If that’s the case, how is it that Nigel wasn’t more successful?” asked Tom.

“The problem was that my lot were all decoy politicians,” answered Nigel, with a sigh. “But listen. We do have the perfect scandal – and I was thinking that, just to be on the safe side, maybe we should recreate the scene for some photos – maybe even a video – that we can leak to the press.”

“You mean the peace treaty?” asked Lucy.

“The legally binding peace treaty,” cut in Wing Commander Tom.

“Erm…” for once, Boris struggled for words.

“Yes, yes” continued Nigel. “And this is where the really clever bit comes in. We make a big song and dance about the peace treaty – historic event, leading the way in unity, blah blah – get everyone really fired up, right? Then, we schedule a sort of ceremonial thing – signing bits of paper, the joining of the nations, whatever – create a massive media circus, all eyes on us, yes? On the big day, we get the most junior minister we can find to send out a really dull-sounding press release about whatever we say about Blair and it’ll get about four lines at the bottom of page sixteen.”

“We can just tell them that we tried him for war crimes but he died in his sleep during his first night in prison!” squealed Lucy, excited to be joining in. “This is it! This is my plan! And look – it’s working!”

“Well done, Prime Minister!” said Dr Martens, offering a small applause.

“Well, we can sort out the details about Blair later,” said Nigel, waving her into silence. “I think, right now, the really important thing is to get these videos and what have you leaked out to the press, so we should probably look at sorting that out right away…”

But the Cabinet were already toasting the success of the Prime Minister appearing to have done something vaguely productive. Inexplicably, Lucy’s plan to bring Tony Blair to justice and reunite Great Britain actually seemed to be happening. ‘Seemed’ being the operative word, of course, because neither of those things were quite true. But it didn’t matter. Sometimes when things are written down enough, they become true, one way or another.

King Boris was noticeably less enthusiastic in the joviality than he might be, but was gamely joining in with the celebratory quaffing nonetheless. Even he was considerably more pleased than a stoney-faced Sir Edd Evans-Morley, however. Sir Edd was not pleased at all.

50 thoughts on “Boris Has A Plan (Cripes!)”

  1. I am fairly sure that decoy politicians are a thing…and that is exactly why Boris is foreign minister…

    I like this plan…what can possibly go wrong…

    mind you…I reckon Sir Edd has a few spanners up his sleeves…

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    1. Decoy politicians are the only logical explanation for the careers of many people in Whitehall over the years, I reckon. It certainly explains Boris!
      Ah, Sir Edd. I saw him on Saturday and he was quite pleased that he is the bad guy! No doubt more shenanigans await… 😉

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      1. there can be no other explanation for Boris to be honest…
        I know he is clever and suchlike, but some of his antics are very definitely distraction techniques!

        I am glad Sir Edd is pleased about being a bad guy… 😀

        I would be highly suspicious if there weren’t any more shenanigans to be honest…

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      2. I do sort of love Boris – I just wish he didn’t have any kind of responsibility! But clever of May to make him Foreign Secretary – he’s got scapegoat written all over him!
        It’s the closest he will ever get to being a villain, bless him!
        Plenty more shenanigans – and before long the killer will be revealed!! 😀

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      3. I agree, he does seem very scapegoat-like!
        Yes…I don’t really see real Edd as a villain… actual villains are more…. villainous…
        oooh that is exciting!!
        mind you…revealed as in we will find out who it is…or revealed as in…there will be more nakedness?

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      17. Yes!
        Is it mimesis or anti-mimesis?

        I googled it…it is Anti-mimesis… life imitating art… Mimesis is art imitating life. I wrote a blog post on it once but I can’t remember if I actually published it…

        anyway…yes!! this is exactly that! all the plans are coming together nicely..and with a helpful Sir Edd we can’t fail!

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      21. Oh I love it!! I think it is quite right to compare this blog to the works of Oscar Wilde and the Greek classics 🙂 Maybe in years to come people will read this and realise that I have predicted the future. Joking aside, it’s an absolutely brilliant post and so true about science fiction.

        Liked by 1 person

      22. I absolutely think that your blog is comparable to the classics!!
        I loved writing that blog…it was literally whatever was on my mind at the time!
        I would resurrect it but I have so many blogs…

        Liked by 1 person

      23. Haha oh my. Well if you think so, that’s good enough for me!
        No such thing as too many blogs… Although I had better just stick to the two for the time being or I will have to give up eating and sleeping…

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      24. i technically have 6 blogs…
        Midsummer 365
        Real fitness (my Personal training website blog)
        Catchpole Creative (may stalled photography website blog)
        Art Journal (for art stuff)
        Red Van travels
        and Concerning the nature of things…

        I still like them all but there doesn’t seem to be time to update them all…because of that eating and sleeping thing you mentioned…and going to work…

        mind you mine don’t require as much work as yours because they are mostly just outpourings of thoughts / events they don’t have to have story arcs and such…

        Liked by 1 person

      25. Gosh, you are prolific! But nice that you can dip in and out of them. It is true that mine are quite high maintenance, but I see that as a good way to keep on track with writing and what not. Also they keep me out of too much mischief 🙂

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      26. yes, they are very dip-in-and-out-able of…
        It would seem that I can only maintain 3 at a time successfully…but that is the same with the interests they represent…
        Yours do seem like a good way to keep on track with writing…mine are more an exercise in throwing words a a page and seeing what sticks…

        Liked by 1 person

      27. I think as long as you enjoy it, it really doesn’t matter how one approaches writing, blogging and such. It is all good practice, great therapy and lots of fun 🙂 I have a bit of an urge to try and get really good so it allows me to practice, practice, practice. I am a firm believer that anything can be achieved by hard work and a bit of faith so I shall see what I can do 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      28. I agree, I enjoy the writing I do, and the main aim of all of them in the first place was to be a record of things for me to look back on, I didn’t really expect people to follow them! I am still shocked that anyone reads about my exercise… let alone 300 people…(not that 300 people read every post…) the other ones have limited followers…but I haven’t tried very hard to get any followers for them!

        I agree about hard work 😀 as far as I am concerned, you are really good already…you have had actual books published so you must be… 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      29. I really love your blogs, you have a really nice style that is just so clear and open and entertaining – I knew as soon as I started reading them we would become friends! Everyone check out Sam’s blogs, I say!
        I appreciate that – but there are lots and lots of dreadful properly published books out there so it’s not always an indication of quality! I know I can be better… I want to be the best 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      30. 😀 thank you! One of my friends reads my blog(s) (and yours now btw) and he says it is funny reading them because when you know me you can hear the whole thing in my voice because I write exactly as I speak. They are really outpourings of my inner monologue (with photos…)

        You are right actually, I have seen a few terrible books that some how made it past a publishers scrutiny… yours is not one of them however!
        There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve mind you… 😀 I think part of being good at things is recognising that you can always improve… 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      31. Yes! There is so much personality and warmth in your writing, it’s just lovely. And I am chuffed your friend reads mine, too 🙂
        Always onwards and upwards, I say!

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  4. Oh God, I actually found myself agreeing with Boris on this one. I am being totally drawn into the hysteria, which of course is exactly what a good writer does to their readers.

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  5. Hahahaha! Perfect timing for this episode since Bozza has just taken the heat off May’s dismal Brexit plan by implying that the French are all Nazis! You just gotta love that man! A decoy politician indeed!

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    1. You see, I have my finger absolutely on the pulse of political satire 🙂 But seriously – I do love Boris but he can surely only be in government for decoy purposes. The man is a liability. Unless it is all some sort of massive joke… in which case, we would be better off with our government!

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  6. Gosh, so many good quotes…however, I shall particularly cherish “First against the wall is that bastard editor from the Nazi Times,” spat Tom with uncharacteristic spite. “I mean the Daily Mail, obviously.” Nothing needs adding to that.

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