Minister for Good Ideas & Gin Dr Samantha Martens paced the black marble floor of Number Ten’s grand main entrance hall, desperately trying to remember if they had a press office or not. She also wondered, in between the spurts of panic, whether real governments spent quite so much time in a frenzied hysteria, or if it was just them. But she quickly shook it off, telling herself that they were a real government, most definitely, and they were getting better at it. On the whole. They had quite a lot of meetings, anyway.
A chorus of spite seeped through the walls from the throng of rampant journalists gathered on the street outside. They were held at a safe distance by the Militia and watched inconspicuously by a few carefully placed members of Wing Commander Tom’s team, but even so it was quite unnerving. Dr Martens struggled to make out quite what they were on about, but it was something about some photographs. She wasn’t sure what was in the photos and wondered whether she should ask. This is exactly why they needed a press office. She decided to call the Minister for Culture, Media & Sport – Mick Canning. He had ‘media’ in his title so this was bound to be his department. He answered on the third ring.
“Hello!” Mick was in fine spirits. “I’m arguing about cricket with the Oxford top brass. What are you up to?”
“Mick, there’s a load of people from the press outside,” replied Dr Martens “They’re shouting something about photographs.”
“Oh!” there followed a thoughtful silence. Mick continued “What are the photographs of, do you know?”
“No idea, shall I ask them?”
“Yes, I think you should.”
“Right. Hold on.”
Holding her phone to her chest, Dr Martens bounded to the front door and dropped to her knees to look through the letterbox. There were not quite as many journalists as she had expected, but she still didn’t fancy the idea of getting too close to them. She decided that shouting at them from the door was probably the best course of action, so she opened it up just enough to pop her head out. A fresh roar of derision erupted from the street, only to be met by the barking chorus of the Militia issuing orders to stay back. Dr Martens waited for the din to subside as the baying mob realised that they wouldn’t be able to hear her even if she did answer their questions. She cleared her throat.
“What are the photos of?”
There was a mumbling among the mob and some worrying laughter.
“What are the photos of?!” the repeated request was much more assertive, but drew an even less enthusiastic response. She placed her phone to her ear. “They won’t tell me, Mick.”
“That’s a nuisance,” huffed Mick. “We need to now what those photos are, do you really have no idea at all?”
“Well, I suppose they could concern the peace treaty.” Dr Martens replied. “Or Tony Blair.”
“I have an idea,” announced Mick “Ask them if the photos contain nudity, that way if they say no, then we know it’s Blair. If they say yes, well, some kind of scandal was bound to emerge sooner or later and you know how the public love a good romp. And these things soon blow over.”
“You’re right. I hope it’s that rather than Blair.” Dr Martens took a steadying breath. “Right. I’ll ask them.”
Seeing her place her phone back to her chest, her audience settled once again and all heads turned towards Dr Martens.
“Do the photos contain any nudity?” she yelled at a volume that was quite indecent considering the context.
The unanimous eye-widening suggested to Dr Martens that the nudity was a far more interesting prospect for these seasoned hacks. She was about to report back to Mick when she noticed a woman in a bright red coat and thick glasses saying something to one of the Militia. It looks like she is trying to pass him her phone. Dr Martens watched as the two of them exchanged a few words, before he turned and broke rank to approach the front door. The Militiaman marched towards her, phone proffered before him.
“Minister, these are the photo’s they’re talking about.”
Dr Martens took the phone in her free hand and scrolled left and right in disbelief. A muffled spate of cursing rumbled from her chest and she put her own phone back to her ear to speak to Mick.
“What is it, then?” he snapped “Blair or bonking?”
Mick’s words evaporated into the air as Dr Martens squinted at the screen before her, struggling to believe her own eyes.
“Well.” She said, eventually. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
Ok, so I’m probably not allowed, both by WordPress code of conduct and the law, to say of what I think those photos are…so I’ll just put, oh you tease!!! Great scene though, shouting questions at the press, why don’t our politicians do that? It would buy them so much time!
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Ah the mystery photos. Don’t worry, all shall be revealed soon enough. Well, lots of things get revealed around these parts but there is a possibility that it might not involve nudity this time. The shouting at the press tactic should be a government policy!
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Probability dictates that there must be something pivotal going on that doesn’t involve nudity…stupid probability. And the shouting would definitely take them aback; playing a big political game of 20 questions.
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Nudity or murder – this was supposed to be a gentle whodunnit with a political twist, but it’s turning into a bad B-movie plot which relies mainly on soft porn and fart gags. My attempt to become a golden age mystery writer is failing miserably.
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You know Arthur Conan Doyle starting writing for a dirty French mag don’t you? There’s more than enough time for you to go legit!
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Really? I am sure that cannot be true. Did Agatha Christie sell ad space for Razzle when she first started out? Haha – ‘go legit’. Love it. That sounds like something to aim towards for retirement; ‘Just one more ridiculous filth-ridden novel, then I’ll go straight, I promise…’
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Of course it’s true! I’m genuinely offended… Agatha Christie was a model for razzle by the way…that may be made up. Ha ha, didn’t think of it like that…you could become addicted to the writing of filth…
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I have said far more offensive things than that to you, old chap, don’t be silly.
Ridiculous filth – if I could write decent filth I would probably be quite well off.
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But none that questioned my authority on the life and times of Arthur Conan Doyle!!!! Oh look…I’m over it…
You’ve still got to compete with all the decent filth that’s out there; is there a market for comedy porn?
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One would certainly hope not, but you never know. I think my strengths lie in unlikely characters and infantile humour – I should just stick to that.
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it worked for Rik and Ade! you just need more Latin, obviously.
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I had better start conjugating verbs…
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and remember which technique works best…
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I will need some practice. It’s been a while.
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I’m more than happy to pop round and go over the finer details.
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Cheers thanks, that would be great. You are probably more knowledgeable in that field than me.
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Probably; but we can all make sweeping stereotypical assumptions about all girls schools can’t we?
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We can – and we should 😉
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That’s my day’s thoughts sorted 🙂
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😉
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yeay! I am helping!!
I think it is always a good idea to ask mobs of journalists what exactly they think they are mobbing about before taking action 😀
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You are very helpful indeed! And that is completely correct – see, when we do politics it is nice and straightforward. A bit noisy and messy, certainly, but we get the job done 😀
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exactly! Straightforward and to the point!
there is nothing wrong with a little noise and mess, and i find, the direct shouting approach either makes people tell you things they didn’t mean to or shut up and go away…which removes the problem any way 😀
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It is a highly evolved form of diplomacy, I reckon. And, when you think about it, considering everything that’s gone on and this is the first time the press show up – we’re doing pretty well. And our economy is based on gin. Yay us! 😀
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Yay us!! I think more diplomacy should involve straightforward talking…like Cmmdr Vimes in Ankh Morpork
I think we are doing fantastically well..
although I don’t know what is in the photos…even though the other me does…which is a confusing state of affairs!
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Vimes is my hero!! He is partly why I joined the police!!
Aha well now I shall slip in a clue – the photos concern the Chancellor of the Exchequer. He was late for Wing Commander Tom’s meeting in the Cabinet office recently and there was something unusual about him. And that is all I shall say for now 🙂
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He is a very fine hero…although I suspect he would argue that he wasn’t!! 😀
oooh heheh 😀 was he wearing black trousers and a boring jacket? that would be fairly scandalous 😉
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I suspect you are right! 😀
The Chancellor would rather die than wear such things, I am sure. I know this seems like a bad Carry On film but there is sort of a plot. Not that it matters, the Oxford lot will be nude again soon, no doubt 😉
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I am sure you are right…so it’s not…
a…business suit!!??
I have every confidence in there being a plot… 😀
In any case, it all seems like a fairly plausible story about you, me and some other people getting up to shenanigans and running the country… so it is all good!
I have no doubt the Oxford lot will disrobe at the earliest opportunity… you cant trust them to remain clothed long enough even to update their dictionary!
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*whispers* his collar was damp and his shoes were wet!
Considering what is actually going on in the world it all seems more plausible by the minute! And it’s bloody good fun, after all. Stand by for further info on the Christmas special, it’s a bit ambitious and not sure I can pull it off yet… but there is a far less impressive back up plan if people still want to do it 🙂
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ooooh!
It is certainly fun 😀 and I don’t think it is any worse than real world politics
oooh I shall look forward to it…ambitious or not it will be awesome!
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Yay! I will message you over the weekend with details, I should have a plan by then 🙂
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Yay 😊 😊😊
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What I really need to know is whether it is a one bottle problem or a two bottle problem!
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Definitely a two bottle problem, Mick. It’s always a two bottle problem 😉
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That’s what I thought. The Oxford cricket team were already a one bottle problem, I’ll have you know. And if the photos are what I think they are, they’ve been Photoshopped. I never met the woman before.
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You are juggling your responsibilities admirably, dear chap. An exemplary statesman by all accounts. Aha – blame Photoshop. I love it. Good work, Minister!
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You’re welcome, my dear PM. Now, I’ll see if I can’t find some interesting photos to show these media chappies.
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Not any of the peace treaty, though. I hadn’t even shaved my legs.
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No, no, not that. One of the Cabinet meetings, perhaps? I always wondered why they called it Cabinet Sauvignon…
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Oh yes, that would impress them no end, show us all hard at work and being effective. Haha! I think we should rename the Cabinet office that. Very appropriate indeed.
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Consider it done. I’ll get a paint brush.
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How excellent …. can’t wait for the photo reveal. Well, I can. I will have to.
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I am glad you can wait, it would be dreadful if not. It might not be that exciting, so don’t get your hopes up too much.
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😃
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Damn. The bonking pix might have been interesting.
I think dear Samantha needs a large swift pick-me-up after such a traumatic episode. After all, what is the point of being in charge of good ideas and gin if one doesn’t consume as much as gin as possible.
*looks at time, considers a pre-lunchtime drink of same is in order*
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You are absolutely right – dearest Sam has been an absolute trooper and certainly deserves a gin. Let’s join her… 🙂
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Oh no……is it the threesome? oh god, I hope not.
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Haha! I hope not too! Eeeek!!
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I kept scrutinising the page for a ‘read more’ button I’d missed (seeing as good old wordpress seems to have had a shift around again). But no! You can’t leave me hanging like that, I need to know what they are!! 😉
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Teehee! My humblest apologies 🙂 all will be revealed soon, my dear! 😀
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Well assuming it is, then I guess I’ll let you off 😉
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Aw thanks hun! 😉
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Methinks that those who don’t read the comments are missing half the fun (not to mention a few clues sprinkled here and there).
xx,
mgh
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
– ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
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The comments section is always the best bit 😉 I have realised that the clues are easy to miss in this format, so before the big reveal at the end I shall make a PDF of the entire thing available for those who want to try and solve it 🙂
xx
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That sounds like fun, tho’ a lot of additional admin for you. Think carefully before you do this — you could be tethered to email back and forth for years if you don’t set it up carefully. (Maybe just leak a couple of clues a post for a while and let people guess as you go.)
xx,
mgh
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That’s a very good point, I shall proceed with caution 😉 Oh I do love all the shenanigans of the comments 🙂 I just see it as part of the job where the blog is concerned.
Xx
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Every blog has a “voice” – but here in the comments they let their free for all voice out to play. Watching everyone bat the ball back and forth is such fun, too. I think everybody wants to play.
xx,
mgh
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Everyone is very welcome to join in! The more the merrier! The comments certainly help to steer the story, too. It is lots of fun 😀
xx
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One of the things you do SO well, Lucy, is make it perfectly clear how much you enjoy the contributions of your readers – so they love to contribute. DUH!
xx,
mgh
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Hooray for that! 😀
xx
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I can’t follow clues for the life of me; Lucy could put (the killer is Terry the cat) in the middle of the post and I’d still be none the wiser…not that I don’t read all your posts thoroughly from beginning to end, prime minister 🙂
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That’s okay, dear chap. That’s why I have included some satire and soft porn also, so there’s something for everyone.
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You’re so kind and special; it’s enough to bring a tear to the eye…so to speak.
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I do try, my dear. I do try.
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Trenton Babbage you SPOILER! 🙂
Seriously, it’s like the pols keep trying to tell the Don: you gotta’ read the briefings!!
xx,
mgh
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You tell him!! 😉
xx
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Well I don’t know what any of that means, but I suspect you’re right! All I know is that that cat cannot be trusted, and not just because he’s a cat either; he’s extra untrustworthy…like those mints.
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Extra untrustworthy mints? These sound worrying. But you are probably right about the cat.
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They are a growing menace round these here parts; they come to read your meter and run off with your light bulbs. I’m always right about cats…it’s a blessing and a curse.
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Bloody hell. Send them round to all the Co-ops!
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That’s no guarantee I’ll get my light bulbs back…
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You might have to say goodbye to those, old bean. Sad times.
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It’s ok, we had quite the on-off relationship……….hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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HA! That’s actually pretty good…
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Why thank you…I’m not a gag man, I leave that up to Arthur.
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He is the gag master, after all.
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You know that’s the term for a particular employee of the porn industry don’t you?
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It was to that which I was referring, of course.
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Phew…thought you’d just stumbled onto something rude then!
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I should be so lucky! There’s not enough rude things about these days. I blame Brexit.
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I blame the end of bottom; not since then has anyone made such insinuations about the most mundane of things.
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It is the singular biggest loss to western culture… ever. I think that I shall move to a flat in Hammersmith with someone called Eddie and live out the rest of my days as a tribute to quite probably the finest comedy ever conceived.
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It’s a bold dream! I may consider changing my name to Eddie hitler, moving in with you, and hitting you over the head with a novelty cricket bat!
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Let’s do it! I shall change my name to Richie Richard and wear enormous underpants whilst engaging in senseless violence. Live the dream!
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Excellent! I shall bring Monica and Les Ferdinand! Just for show of course, I’m sure we could stretch the bounds and provide the sexual content.
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*sniff* Rik would be so proud. His legacy lives on…
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Ade would probably think we were idiots; which would either be a good thing or we’ll wait till he’s dead till we tell him.
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You make a good point. I think we should wait until after he is dead, then tell him. In the meantime, we can fight each other on that bench in Hammersmith near the roundabout.
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Deal; with the bum notes playing full blast!
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YES! The perfectly named band, playing the perfect tune.
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I’m struggling not to imagine us doing it in the nude…have I become obsessed?
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Yay let’s do the dance in the nude! If we are sticking with tradition, we will just be silhouettes anyway, so we won’t offend the general public.
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Hmmmmm…I was hoping not to poke you in the eye though…if you see what I mean…
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I shall not make the same mistake as Eddie – I’ll keep the glasses on.
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Ah, I see your point…
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You mean those “curiously strong” itty-bitty ones? I always wondered about those.
xx,
mgh
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They do pack quite a punch!
Xx
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Curious how they do that, huh? xx, mgh
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Oh no, I don’t mind them at all; it’s the ones that come round your house to measure your curtains and have it away with your bedstead!
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Those are called mints? Where? In my part of the world we call them decorators (tho’ both kinds are suspect in my mind).
xx,
mgh
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Ah, the language barrier can be tricky at times… 😉
xx
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Well, those feisty Americans always insist on doing everything their own way. 🙂 xx, mgh
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Can’t help but love them, though 😉
xx
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WELL – in the days following our recent election I only love half of “my fellow Americans,” personally — and NONE of them are politicians!
xx,
mgh
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Yep, mints; a packet of mints comes round to measure curtains and boom! your bedstead’s gone…we call them bastards.
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You are a very mischievous boy, Mr Babbage.
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I am…I’ll be kind from now on…
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You’re not too big to go over my knee, young fella-me-lad.
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And for my punishment?
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Custard filled underpants!
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Or cleaning that, that entrance to Hades!
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RIGHT – and if I take you seriously, I’m in big trouble here in the USA! (Good thing for me that I’m not [quite] that gullible, huh?)
But I really would like to see a package of mints do some useful work.
xx, mgh
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So would I; I’ve seen a packet of fruit pastels lay a beautiful driveway, there’s no reason why a bag of trebors couldn’t do the same.
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Oh, this is a cliff-hanger and a half. I hope nobody was taking photos of King Boris and you, PM? Now I’m wondering if there were any sausages near Blair when he got shot?
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I sincerely hope not, Hugh! Glad to see you remembered the sausages. Most astute, dear chap!
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It’s watching all those reruns of Miss Marple that does it. I do like Joan Hickson. She would have made a great P.M…but not as good as you P.M.
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She was certainly the best Marple and no mistake. I always liked Poirot best, but I am always delighted to catch a Marple repeat. I have recently discovered a wonderful program with Peter Davidson called Campion. Marvellous stuff, I tell you.
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I’ve not heard of Campion. Worth checking out, then?
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Well, it is certainly quirky, I’ll give it that! It can be quite hard to follow at times (or it could be me being thick) but I’ve got hooked on it now. Possibly because the main character is strikingly similar in both appearance and manner to real-life Wing Commander Tom. I say give it a try!
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If Tom’s involved, then I will. 😀
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Hurrah! You must let me know what you think.
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