First Law Of Economics: There Are No Laws Of Economics

Posted on by Lucy Brazier

At the dining table of Number Eleven Downing Street, Cambridge, the dark arts of economic praxis were being perpetrated by Chancellor Ian Risk and dubious Trade Minister, Simon Daley. Number Eleven was, in fact, a far more suitable station for the seat of Government, having been smart solicitors’ offices before the revolution. But Prime Minister Wastell had absolutely insisted on taking Number Ten, thereby leaving the Chancellor with an altogether more practical berth in which to operate.

Operations appeared to be going quite well. As Ian and Simon surveyed the scene before them, all that could be heard was the faint rustle of used bank notes and a zephyr of smug satisfaction. If you ignored the vast moral chasm that gaped imploringly before you, (and the Trade Minister certainly did) then you could say that Simon’s plan was a stroke of genius. And the University really wasn’t going to miss the mountain of antiquated tat that he had appropriated for Government purposes. It quite amazed him how much the unwitting wealthy were prepared to pay for pieces of the crumbling Empire.

“Leonora is not going to be happy if she gets wind of this,” chuckled Ian, referring to the eagle-eyed Secretary of State for Archeology, Fine Art & Old Things In General – Leonora Smyth.

“Don’t worry, the University doesn’t even know about it yet,” replied Simon, stabilising a teetering pile of filthy lucre with his hand.

“I thought you said this was a straightforward negotiation with the University officials?”

“Why, yes it was!” grinned Simon. “I went along to speak to various… officials… at every single one of the Colleges. There was an exchange of… contracts… and the items passed swiftly and – most importantly – discretely, into the hands of the Government.”

There was a brief pause as Ian’s brows knitted together with some effort.

“You mean you bribed the Porters?”

“Bribe is such a hurtful word, Chancellor.”

“Anyway, how are we getting along with the manufacturing side of things?” Ian was quick to change the subject.

“Ah, well – the production of Cambridge Special Damson Gin is just about good to go,” Simon answered enthusiastically.

“Yes, I know that,” Ian replied, wagging a finger. “The Minister for Good Ideas & Gin and I have been testing it extensively.”

“Any good?”

“Well, I assume so, I can’t remember much.” Ian allowed himself a smile. “But I was thinking more of the operation in the Botanical Gardens…”

Before Simon could answer, the leather-padded door at the far end of the room burst open with a flurry of hair and expensive tailoring, only to be slammed shut again with alarming alacrity. The resulting backdraft was enough to send the carefully placed piles of cash spiralling like confetti through the air. Through the veil of gently cascading currency, Ian and Simon observed perturbed Cabinet Secretary, Sir Edd Evans-Morley. Nervous glances were exchanged by all.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask what you’re up to,” Sir Edd announced, waving a hand dismissively and shaking the exuberant curls on his head. The release of breath from the other side of the dining table was audible. “We have something rather urgent with which to concern ourselves. The Prime Minister has taken it upon herself to read up on economics and has come up with a somewhat dangerous plan.”

The Chancellor looked at Sir Edd and barked a surprised laugh at him.

“Economics?” protested Ian. “Bless her, but she can barely keep track of her fingers and toes. I wouldn’t worry.”

“Yes, but I am worried, you see,” Sir Edd spat the words like hot bullets. “You see, someone – but she won’t say who, although I strongly suspect it to be that snake Alfie Dacre – has introduced her to the National Economic Security and Recovery Act.”

Ian and Simon returned blank stares. They didn’t know what the National Economic Security and Recovery Act was, but they knew Alfie Dacre only too well. Officially the Minister for Education, Dacre was also a committed revolutionary and made little secret of the fact. If this was of interest to him, it was bound to be reactionary and would most definitely be quite brilliant.

“It sounds quite impressive,” Simon ventured. “Are you saying there’s a problem with it?”

Sir Edd sighed and tapped a foot.

“The National Economic Security and Recovery Act is a highly controversial set of fiscal reforms that has been swathed in polemic conspiracy theories ever since the 1990s.” Sir Edd began to pace a little, as if to aid his thought process. “It is ridiculous, it is dangerous, but worse than that it might actually work. If it is successfully implemented in East Anglia, it could prove the perfect template for reuniting the country and fulfilling our dear leader’s ambitions.”

“Right – well, that rather was the plan, chap” said Ian, as if to a simpleton.

“Chancellor, please” these two words and an arched eyebrow from Sir Edd spoke symphonies. He sighed again. He could see he was going to have to explain. “The thing is, chaps, if the PM gets her wish and reunites Great Britain with Cambridge as its capital, that means we are no longer running the sedate and sensible province of East Anglia, all of a sudden we’re running an entire country. Have you any idea how much work that will entail? Not forgetting the need to deal with all the other countries as well. Do you really think sending the Prime Minister out onto the world stage is a good idea?”

“I find your disloyalty quite unpleasant, Sir Edd!” Ian cried. “And why shouldn’t she have a crack at making the world a better place? It’s about time someone did.”

Sir Edd bowed his head, tutting furiously.

“Before you know it, we will actually have to start running things properly – we will be accountable -” Sir Edd paused to ostentatiously eye the scattered bank notes on the table.  “Not to mention far too busy to pursue our own personal business interests. Don’t think I don’t know exactly what is happening at the Botanical Gardens. No. Gentlemen, the sensible option is to use our time wisely; in a little under four years time there will be another election lottery and we shall all return to anonymity and everyday life. I intend to ensure that the everyday life that awaits me is as comfortable as possible. I strongly advise you to do the same.”

The eloquent oration had a profound effect on both the Chancellor and Trade Minister. There had been, perhaps, a moment or two where they might have considered themselves serious statesmen. That consideration had wavered considerably at the enormity of the task before them. Whilst one man kept quiet his resolve to stand by his Prime Minister, the other was irretrievably seduced by the words of the Cabinet Secretary. But there was no time for further consideration as the PM herself popped an excitable head around the door.

“Here you all are! Guess what!” Lucy Wastell tumbled in like a puppy with special needs. “I’ve just been on the phone to King Boris. He wants to discuss a peace treaty! And he was very impressed with my Economic… Security Act thing – I told you he would be, Sir Edd.” Sir Edd returned an enthusiastic smarm that was the very antithesis of his previous position. “This is brilliant. Don’t you love it when a plan comes together, chaps?!”

The pause between Lucy’s last breath and the rapturous applause that followed was small, but palpable. Lucy put it down to them all being stunned with delight. Well, she would.

“Right – someone get hold of the Foreign Secretary. We are going to have the biggest state occasion known to mankind. He’s not going to want to miss this.”

With that, the Prime Minister swept out again, singing an unlikely tune to herself as she went. She would have been disappointed to know that the atmosphere she left behind was gravely solemn. Sir Edd broke the silence.

“That settles it. This peace treaty cannot, under any circumstances, be allowed to go ahead. There is no other way. We have to ensure that we go to war with Oxford.”

93 thoughts on “First Law Of Economics: There Are No Laws Of Economics”

    1. I have to say, this is one of the most fun things to write – I am glad that translates to the reader. For some reason, I am relishing the upcoming sex scene – just debating whether to include Nigel in the action or not! Yes, it is thoughts such as these that fill my head – such is the life of a writer!

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      1. In your hands I’m sure a scene to relish … albeit mercifully brief given Boris’s notoriously short attention span! No please do not give Nigel even the merest sniff of higher office!

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      2. In the last post Boris suggested that relations would be restored in ‘less time than it takes to boil an egg’, so luckily we are not in for an epic romp of tabloid proportions. I take on board your comments about Nigel – perhaps he shall be engaged in activity elsewhere when the peace deal is being ‘negotiated’.

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  2. Gosh – the cabinet members are starting to sound more like American politicians with every post!

    Careful, Lucy, I’m smelling something coup d’etat-ish a brewing (or maybe they’ll just stamp their big feet and stage a walk-out like adolescent American senators, taking their footballs and going – um – to topless bars?)
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

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    1. It would seem that politicians are politicians the world over! Duplicitous, self-serving and untrustworthy – if they weren’t running our countries we could have a good laugh about them! I feel that there are many shenanigans just around the corner – starting with the ‘epic state occasion’… 😉
      xx

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  3. Thanks for this blog post; I really enjoyed it and am definitely recommending this blog to my friends and family. I’m a 16 year old with a blog on finance and economics at shreysfinanceblog.com, and would really appreciate it if you could read and comment on some of my articles, and perhaps follow, reblog and share some of my posts on social media. Thanks again for this fantastic post.

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    1. It is a true world of terror! Porters accepting bribes, suspect peace treaties and war as an economic tool. It’s almost laughable. Actually, I hope it is laughable, as that rather was the intention.

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      2. I think ‘laughablocity’ is quite probably the greatest word ever invented. I shall be using it at every opportunity, Mr Babbage – not for the first time have you proved to be enormously helpful and brilliant! A big, bouncy hug to you, sir!

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    1. We will see the Government split into two camps – those of us who want to change the world (that’s me and you, obviously!) and those that want to accumulate as much wealth as possible and have an easy life (Sir Edd’s team!) Apparently, this is called creating conflict and it seems to go down well 🙂 Also, I feel really bad that Edd’s character has turned out to be rather vicious, as in real life he is the nicest man in the world! By the way – (back in the real world) did you see that Ian has only 7 litres of Damson gin left?! Luckily he has laid down next year’s batch already, but these are hard times!!

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      1. I have heard of this creating conflict business… although it doesn’t really happen in my blog…unless I rant in which case it is not so much conflict as grumpiness…

        Maybe those that want to change the world can use the wealth of those that accumulated it to change the world…it may require some sort of sneakiness!

        I am sure Edd won’t mind… 😀

        I did see that…only 7 litres!! how will anyone cope!!

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      2. You see, I am taking this writing business very seriously these days 🙂 Personally, I prefer a good old fashioned rant – no doubt I could squeeze in one of those somewhere along the line. I agree with you about the sneakiness – we might have to be doubly duplicitous to handle the likes of Sir Edd!
        Word has it there there are another 9 litres on the way, but even so… it’s a worry.

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      3. being doubly duplicitous will certainly be required…but has a good chance of success due to alliteration!

        another 9 litres is reassuring…but I see your point…worrying times indeed!!

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      4. When in doubt, fall back on alliteration. It is a maxim that has served me well for… well, the last five minutes, anyway 😉
        I shall speak to Ian at once about his proposed contingency plans. Worst case scenario – you and I will just have to get round there and get drinking! 😀

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      6. Woohoo #trilbytuesday!
        Yes, me too. Let’s skip straight to that 🙂 I’ll make some sandwiches, that’ll get us through the front door. If we keep him talking about cars and trousers, he won’t notice us hammering his supplies 😀

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  8. There I was, furrowing my brow, thinking ‘I don’t like the sound of this. At all’ and someone was clearly reading my mind because I saw my name up there. I shall be on the trail. Never fear. I shall also be on the trail f some gin too. Did Mumsie get any olives in? 🍸

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    1. Aha you see, you are one step ahead of the boys already! There are red and black olives, and Mumsie has stocked up on feta too, if that interests you. Everyone keep an eye on the valuables and the gin, for goodness sake…

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      1. I suspect the gin may be of more interest to the majority than Old Things. Red olives? That sounds novel. Feta maybe so long as it is vegetarian feta. Yes, a nice Greek salad would go down well.

        Meanwhile, dons Sherlock hat and searches for magnifying glass to retrieve MY artefacts. This will not go away. And neither will I.

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      2. I still think that we are a better bet for government than the current shower, although we haven’t got to the signing of the peace treaty yet. It is my hope that gin and cheery grin will see us through…

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      1. It is a great pleasure and so needed laughter in these troubled times! Perhaps you have read the article of the Queen offering to take back America? Perhaps there is a book in it all? 😀

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      3. I’ve no doubt it would work but it will have to wait until you finish what you are working on! 😀 There was another one about a decade ago regarding HRH taking back the states and it was by John Cleese. Of course it was brilliant. 😀

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      5. It is people like you who keep my book mountains treating to avalanche upon me. 😀 Cleese is great. My youngest son and I spent many an hour re-watching his favourite films, at the time, Monty Python: In Search of The Holy Grail!

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      6. It’s a brilliant film! I have it on DVD and it never fails to cheer me up. I am sorry about the ever-increasing book pile. Rest assured that this blog will most probably not be a book, so your pile is safe from that, at least 😉

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      7. I have no doubt that your writing will continue to contribute to that never-ending TBR pile and I am grateful for that. If I were not so possessive of my books, I could pass them off to the local British Book Exchange. Alas… 😀
        Yes, it is a brilliant film and I believe it is time I found a copy for my next laugh marathon… I also love the original St. Trinian’s! 😀

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      8. Well, I certainly hope so as I am most flattered and honoured to have you as a reader! Always room for one more book…
        Haha St Trinians! I have to say that those classic British films from that era were very special indeed. A much simpler age and perhaps the characters and stories seem a little ‘twee’ now – but I just love them. I should have lived back then, I think 🙂

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      9. Discovering such films opened up a new world for one growing up in So. CA. I think tonight I shall commence working my way through ‘Allo ‘Allo!
        Your writing is a delight and I am happy to reblog all the reviews, the good ones anyway. Of course I can’t imagine any other review of your work. Laughter is so important and to all I left behind in the states, they need it now more than ever. 😀

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      10. I recently introduced some German friends to ‘Allo ‘Allo and they loved it! A real classic. I think I will be indulging in some classic comedy myself this evening, inspired by our conversation – so thank you!
        You really are too kind. If I can make just one person smile, it’s been a worthwhile day. I appreciate your kind words and support so very much 🙂

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      11. You rendered those friends a great kindness. When I watch such things I imagine my tiny Welsh grandmother’s eyes twinkle… 😀
        We share the same philosophy on smiles. They are contagious so spread it around. 🙂

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