Meet The Cabinet

Posted on by Lucy Brazier

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Chancellor of the Exchequer – Ian Risk

As the PM’s next-door neighbour, he seemed the perfect choice for the role of Chancellor. Before taking up his new role, Ian was a successful businessman and philanthropist, spending his free time indulging in his passions of classic cars, loud jackets and homemade damson gin.

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Home Secretary – Vicky Kirby

Until recently, the PM and Vicky were receptionists at their local County Council offices. Great friends for many years, the PM cannot think of anyone better to oversee the activities of the notorious Cambridge Militia.

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Foreign Secretary – Harry Cobeans

A kingdom the size of East Anglia has scant requirement for a Foreign Secretary, but Harry absolutely insisted on filling the role and immediately took himself off on a ‘fact finding’ mission to the south of France. He can be tempted back to Number 10 by large feasts and the occasional political disaster.

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Minister for Good Ideas & Gin – Doctor Samantha Martens

A respected engineer with excellent taste in music and footwear, Dr Martens had been developing a system to mass-produce the Chancellor’s homemade gin before her call to office. Greatly admired by the PM for her capacity for good ideas (and also gin), her place in the Cabinet was assured.

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Minister for Defence – Lord Daniel Westington 

A friend of the Chancellor’s and with the benefit of military service and an impressive collection of shot guns, this most violent member of the landed gentry is the perfect match for Boris, King of Oxford.

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Secretary of State for Eduction – Alfie Dacre

He describes himself as impossibly handsome, erudite and Machiavellian – and who are we to disagree? A frightening intellect barely conceals his revolutionary nature, putting him constantly at odds with the University and any other poor soul who so much as thinks about crossing him.

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Secretary of State for Economic Relations – Fred Mincer

The PM has no idea what this job title means, but she was convinced by the endlessly persuasive Fred that he was the perfect man for the role. A celebrated local wordsmith, the PM and Home Secretary are long-time fans of Fred and completely powerless to refuse his eloquent requests.

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Trade Minister – Simon Daley

An ex-used car dealer and gentleman known here and about as a man with fingers in many pies, Simon knows a thing or two about making a deal. His illicit contacts in the motor trade have endeared him to the Chancellor, something he plans to use to his advantage. His rapacious approach to business annoys the PM, but his shady associations with the underworld are too useful to ignore.

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Minister for Culture, Media & Sport – Mick Canning

Mick was a regular at the village pub frequented by the PM and Chancellor before their ascent to Number 10. Mick got the job on the grounds that he owns a bookshelf, reads the papers and likes cricket. He is doing a sterling service thus far.

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Secretary of State for Unlikely Events – Hugh Roberts

This post was created early on by the PM by means of giving her a scapegoat for anything she wasn’t expecting. However, Hugh is particularly adept at arguing the definition of ‘unlikely’ and therefore often finds himself with little to occupy his time.

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Secretary of State for Archaeology, Fine Art & Old Things in General – Leonora Smyth

Director of Cambridge’s Fitzwilliam Museum, Leonora is the apotheosis of cultured intellect. Her Government appointment allows her to continue her grand works at the museum, whilst also keeping and eye on the Culture and Education Ministers, who she is sure are up to something.

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Minister for Health – Haylee DeHavilland

This bright and enthusiastic young lady believes in good, old-fashioned fresh air and exercise and three square meals a day. Never before in the history of democracy has a Government department invoked such staggering displays of straightforward common sense.

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Minister for Family Values – Victoria Impress

Interestingly, the brief for this department is not so much concerned with the general populous, but the Cabinet themselves – thereby making Victoria’s appointment the most challenging in Government.

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Minister for Transport – Zoe Summers

The beautiful Zoe was recruited by a smitten Chancellor, who insisted upon training her for the role by driving her around the countryside in his collection of classic cars. The PM swiftly drew up a brief for Zoe to expand Cambridge’s love of bicycling and punting to the rest of the region, thereby creating a more ecologically-friendly Transport policy.

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Cabinet Secretary – Sir Edd Evans-Morley 

Another of the Chancellor’s well-connected associates, Sir Edd is director of the Cambridge Underground Orchestra, which makes him well versed in the art of managing temperamental types. It is his job to keep the Cabinet in line and behind the Prime Minister. However, his closeness to the Chancellor’s cronies and Minister for Good Ideas & Gin means he is anything but unbiased in his work.

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Head of the Cambridge Intelligence Agency – Wing Commander Tom

A man who takes his covert assignation most seriously, little is known about the enigmatic Wing Commander Tom. It is sufficient to say that it was he who effected the capture of Tony Blair – legend has it, he took him while he was sleeping – thereby confirming the extent of his expertise. He is said to be the most handsome man in Cambridge, but no one has ever actually seen his face.

50 thoughts on “Meet The Cabinet”

      2. A Good Idea and excellent source of revenue – both for the Government and the Chancellor himself! You see, we are getting the hang of this politics lark already!
        I will speak with Tony and Nicole to see when they will be available for their marvellous filming services. Then I’ll write a thing. I shall keep you posted!! 😀

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  3. Well … what an interesting looking bunch. I like the look of your shadowy Wing Commander. Your Minister for Defence looks rather like one of those terrorist types. Working from the inside, eh! Very commendable.
    Bic has files on a few of them. Won’t say which ones … but watch out for your Home Secretary. (Not quite as at Home as you think).

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    1. I am very pleased to hear that Bic is abreast of the situation. Wherever there is a breast, Bic can be found, no doubt. Goodness, I hope my inner circle hasn’t been breached at this early stage. Nothing worse than having your confidential ring penetrated by ruffians…
      (I’m so sorry – I don’t know why I am banging on like I’m in a Carry On film, it’s just something you bring out in me.)

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      8. Such brilliant political strategy – I am actually very impressed. You make running the country seem fairly straightforward. It’s basically just violence and bribes. I get it now.

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      10. Excellent. I should have taken this game up years ago. Thank you, Mr Babbage, for your endlessly helpful input. I feel a spot on the Honours list emerging…

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  5. An impressive bunch overall, but I’d keep a watchful eye on the Minister for Health. That “staggering display of straightforward common sense” sound ominous to me.

    I’m on board for the Damson Gin Mass Production for its own sake – but I wouldn’t count on it much as a revenue source. I doubt there will be much to sell once the cabinet gets word. I’d put it under the control of Wing Commander Tom. Utmost secrecy might be prudent.

    xx,
    mgh

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    1. I shall take your advice, the Minister for Health must certainly have an ulterior motive! No one involved in any form of Government ever deploys common sense – she must be an interloper!
      As for the Damon Gin, I have a similar fear. Whether supplies would be any safer with Wing Commander Tom is debatable, but he is at least just one man – the Cabinet would make short work of our supplies!
      Thank you as ever for your excellent advice – I shall think of you as my chief adviser 🙂
      xx

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      1. Could she be a mole? Or planning a bit for WikiLeaks? Play your cards close to the vest – loose lips and ships, you know.

        About the Damon Gin – squirrel away a few crates, just in case supplies run low and must be rationed. It’s happened before, as you are no doubt aware.
        xx, mgh

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      2. At this stage, anything is possible and anyone could get up to anything! Which is a perfectly acceptable state of affairs, as Wing Commander Tom will not let me down 😉
        Gosh you’re right – with war on the cards, gin rationing is a distinct possibility. I shall set up a focus group at once. Gin supplies must be protected at all costs!
        Xx

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    1. You were indeed correct! I think you would be excellent, please do go ahead. Make sure you break Ed Balls’ legs, he is looking like strong competition 😉
      A joy and honour to have you aboard, my dear chap!

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  7. Reblogged this on writerchristophfischer and commented:
    Who Shot Tony Blair?
    My role in the Post-Brextonian Government as Secretary of State for Economic Relations – Fred Mincer

    The PM has no idea what this job title means, but she was convinced by the endlessly persuasive Fred that he was the perfect man for the role. A celebrated local wordsmith, the PM and Home Secretary are long-time fans of Fred and completely powerless to refuse his eloquent requests.

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    1. I thought you would be absolutely perfect for the role! And you can keep an eye on the shadier elements of the Cabinet while you’re at it. Hurrah for directorships and gin. Cheers!

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